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Dear
KRS,
I am going through a problem right now and I’m hoping you can help me out.
THE PROBLEM: When someone wrongs me (unsolicited advice, criticism I do not find constructive, rudeness, patronizing me, etc.), I feel that if I do not stick up for myself beyond positive self-talk, it makes the offensive comment true! It is a very frustrating feeling, and I do not know what is causing it. I feel like I have to always refute the other person when they put me down. I feel this strong drive to be assertive, insult others back who have insulted me, justify my choices, and to try to offset possible rumors the criticizer may be spreading about me.
I am stuck in the irrational mindset that I always need to speak up to make my personal opinions be heard. I know that it should be possible for my own opinion to count just as much even if I don’t voice it. I am having trouble achieving this and I really need some help.
Also, I know that in some situations, such as at work, it isn’t always in my best interest to speak up (even if I am right). How can I develop the skill of keeping quiet, but not feeling as if what the critic is saying is true?
Sensitive to Criticism
Dear Sensitive,
Even Ghandi probably felt a twinge when untruths were spoken about him. So, I’d like to first suggest that you lighten up on yourself regarding your negative reactions to your negative reactions to criticism. It is a normal human response to feel hurt when negative things are said about us, whether they are true or untrue.
Low self-esteem can heighten one’s reaction to criticism, because on some level you believe the criticism to be true. In other words, the “truth” hurts, whether it is true or not as long as some part of you believes the untruth to be true. Harsh words from others hit an insecure nerve in you which produces a response to raise your voice to deny and hopefully eradicate the perceived unflattering truth.
On the other hand, if you are self-confident and know the criticism to be completely false, you will react with less volatility knowing that others will see the truth as you do. If this rings a bell with you, work on building your self-esteem, for example with affirmations such as: “I know who I am and I accept myself unconditionally.” When doing affirmation work be sure to use affirmations that truly resonate when you repeat them.
It is also acceptable to correct untruths when you hear them. The challenge here is to communicate your feelings in an enlightened non-attached manner, leaving angry emotions behind. Practice new language such as “It hurts me that you say those things.” Showing your vulnerability is perhaps the most effective skill you can implement when communicating but it is also the most difficult emotion to expose when you are feeling attacked.
Finally, consider doing some writing about your negative feelings and let your wiser self comfort and counsel your insecure angry self. Express your negative feelings in your writing but then let your higher self bring reason, love and calm to your inner storm.
This is an emotional challenge that has big payoffs in spiritual growth and personal development. Acknowledge the little victories along the way and don’t be upset by occasional setbacks. It is all part of the journey. Hang in there and work through it. It is worth it.
KRS
Dear KRS,
I’ve been
suffering from depression for two or
three years now. A friend suggested that
I take up yoga and nutrition counseling.
I’ve started the yoga.
I also sent away for information
from a nutritional counselor and I have
to say I found it unconvincing. It
didn’t sound scientific to me.
Should I keep on looking for someone else? Should I take
the position that if I’m eating a
well-balanced diet, I don’t need
nutritional counseling? I’m aware of the Dept. of
Agriculture’s "pyramid" and
I try to follow that. Is nutritional
counseling likely to be successful in
treating my depression?
- Depressed
Dear
Depressed,
I'm proud of you for seeking solutions for your depression.
Two-thirds of the 18 million Americans who are stricken
with depression each year do not get appropriate help. Because
of its very nature many people often just don't make the effort.
1)
Nutrition and herbal supplementation.
It sounds as it you are following a pretty healthful
diet. A few things
you might take a look at in this area are excess sugar intake
and allergies (wheat is a common one) as both can contribute to
depression. Also,
have you tried herbal supplements such as St. John's Wort?
They have been quite effective with many people, but
start gradually and under the guidance with an experienced
alternative health practitioner.
2)
Hormones. I
don't know how old you are, but if you are in your 30s, 40s or
50s you might be having some adverse hormonal reactions.
Your GYN can help determine this with a simple blood
test.
3)
Meditation. This
is so helpful for mental states.
It helps quell uneasy (emotional) waters and restore
balance.
Hang
in there, maintain an optimistic outlook and keep trying.
You CAN get through this – and the journey can be
surprisingly enriching.
KRS
Dear
KRS,
I
have a friend who has been
living with AIDS for
several years now.
She recently found
out she has cancer, and
now the doctors say that
she may not make it to
summer.
She’s an
otherwise strong person,
with an excellent positive
attitude. I was hoping
that you might have some
ideas on how I can feed
that positive attitude, or
just know the right words
to say.
I want to write her
a letter but I don't know
what to say.
I’d appreciate
any guidance you might be
able to offer.
- Friend Dying of Aids
Dear Friend
Dying,
How inspiring that you have chosen to
prioritize your friend’s feelings over your own painful
feelings at this time. Many
people back away from those who are ill, particularly at the
end, because they feel inadequate and/or consumed with sadness.
Every situation and relationship is
a little different but there are some basics for you to keep in
mind, such as the healing
effects of humor. Remind
your friend of funny experiences you both shared and relive
them. Escape into
the laughter together.
Consider calling your friend as well as
writing her. The
energy of a loving human voice has a powerful healing effect,
both physically and emotionally.
Whether you call or write, the most valuable thing you
can offer your ailing friend at this point is the sentiment that
is in your heart. Remind
your friend of how much good she has done on this earth and how
much she means to you.
If you feel your friend is not in denial
about dying and seems to want to talk about it, encourage yourself to gently ask
her about any fears she may have.
This is the hardest question for supporting friends to
ask, but often the most important.
More often than not, floodgates of thoughts and emotions
will open from the dying person.
Listen. Follow
your friend into this conversation and keep it going with
loving, honest feedback and further questions, if appropriate.
If writing, encourage your friend to communicate her
fears. Depending on her faith and how far she seems to want to
go with you, you may even explore a
conversation about letting go of her fear and anticipating
her pain-free union with God.
Ask your friend if there’s anything you
can do for her. When
I asked a terminal patient if he was afraid to die, he answered
quite quickly that he was most afraid that he wouldn’t get to
say goodbye to his family. Since
he was too weak to write, I asked her if he’d like to dictate
letters to me for each of them.
He loved the idea and was able to sign them himself.
After this session I noticed that calmness seemed to
replace his former state of agitation.
[An interesting footnote:
The letter writing experience to his family members
seemed divinely guided. I
was able to turn off “me” during the writing and didn’t
recall anything I had written when we were through.]
I delivered the letters to his family members after his
passing. It was
beautiful.
Trust your intentions, work from your heart
and your friend will feel your love.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I am usually pretty rational in times of stress or
emergency situations but I am still having difficulties dealing
with the World Trade Center attack. It seems so needless and is
just off the charts in regards to reason or logic. Can you help
me get a healthier perspective on things?
Still Traumatized by WTC Attack
Dear
Traumatized,
You are not alone in your reaction and, because of the emotional
charge that this event carries I have even debated about
offering advice on the subject. However, with letters like
yours, I see a need for positive energy, so I will humbly offer
what I can and hope it helps.
Start by
nurturing yourself. If that sounds selfish, just remember that
you cannot give to others what you haven’t got. If you are
stressed and uncentered, that is the energy you will emanate.
Make an unedited list of your current needs, allowing all your
subselves to contribute, such as inner child, angry teenager or
whoever wants to be heard. Your list may range from "lie on
my stomach and draw with crayons" to "get a
massage" to "contribute to WTC funds" – there
are no "shoulds" for your list. After your "needs
list" is completed, make it a reality.
Next, remember
your spiritual roots and resource them. I say
"remember" these roots because in times of stress
people often get "out of themselves" and become
vulnerable to prevailing negative energy. They can detach from
their spiritual center and merge with surrounding chaos.
Conversely, after spending even an "hour" in
re-centering yourself through meditation, prayer or other
vehicles, you will experience the world and its events through
different eyes. Instead of picking up (and being swept away by)
negative energy, you will pick up (and emanate) positive,
healing energy. It’s almost magical. These are the times to
implement that core of spirituality inherently yours. What you’ll
discover in making an effort toward this, is that you have a
deeper well of spirit than you realized.
Finally, let’s
talk about perspective. Since there is not expert in the world
who can give us a logical "cause" for the WTC attack,
we are allowed take an open-hearted global view of this.
Consider that possibility that an event as dramatic and
far-reaching as the WTC attack is what is took to get the world
to take action against evil. After all, the existence of this
evil has been known for years, but we allowed it to continue and
proliferate. It took something big, something that couldn’t be
denied to bring us to action. Not only is the WTC event bringing
the United States to action, but it is appearing to do what’s
never been done before – unite the world toward a common goal.
It would not be unfounded to theorize that the WTC event will
lead to greater political reciprocity between countries. And,
after seeing several moving multi-denominational services and
memorials since September 11, why not allow ourselves to also
hope for a deeper religious (and maybe one day we might just say
deeper spiritual) acceptance. If we allow and even nurture these
positive "what ifs" in our own minds, the energy of
those healing thoughts can overpower the negative and perhaps we
can one day say that the lives lost on September 11, 2001 were
not in vain; that those souls were our unknowing guides to the
biggest step ever in the evolution of consciousness and
spirituality on this planet.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I think I am a type A personality because I get angry very
easily. For example, if someone cuts me off in traffic or if I
don’t like the way someone looks at me in the market, it can
set me off. Since these seemingly normal occurrences go on all
the time, I tend to be worked up most all the time. The result
is that it has now developed to where I get so upset that I
vomit and am now on migraine headache medication. I would like
to loosen up. Is there anything I can do to help myself?
Angry at Everything
Dear
Angry,
When emotions are unexpressed or "pent up" they can
often come out "sideways"
in inappropriate circumstances. Some suggestions:
1)
Emotion-releasing exercises. Take a tennis racket or something
similar and hit your bed or a cushion. You can also use your
fist or an actual sponge-type
bat sold for this purpose. Forget about feeling silly and hit as
hard as you can. Scream, yell or let any words come out as
they will. Don't
worry about forming sentences or being a lady. Let it come. Do
it until
you are exhausted, then rest for a bit, staying focused. Then
repeat the exercise until exhausted again. Repeat one more
time (3 times total). Should tears come, think of them as a
positive release of your trapped anger and welcome them.
Repeat this exercise daily until you feel your anger coming
into balance.
2)
Meditation techniques. One technique I use is to name the area
of your body where the anger is located. Start by sitting
quietly with your eyes closed and relaxing for a moment. Then
imagine being cut off in traffic. Really get into it (you can
even do it right now). Then, ask yourself where you are
feeling that anger in your body. It may be a small area or
your whole body, it doesn't matter where it shows up. The
point is to relax into those uncomfortable sensations and feel
them completely. BE with the sensation. What does it feel
like? Can you just allow it to be as you breathe and relax
into it? Keep working on this and you will notice that the
tension around the anger will start to dissolve, and with it,
the anger. It's very powerful, exciting work that will help
you with more than your anger.
KRS
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I
Don't Stick Up for Myself
